Internship Day Three; bad advice you should definitely follow

Today I’m tired, so I’m writing a silly, tongue firmly in cheek, non-technical post full of horrible advice.

If you’re a new programmer, you’re gonna get a shitload of advice from other people. It can be overwhelming. Since I’m like, *totally* seasoned now, I want to add my sage wisdom to the mix. I will give it to you from my personality’s perspective, which is among other things, contrarian and learns almost exclusively through experience.

This guy is named Jonathan Swift. He was a famous satirist in England. He died, though. Too bad.

In all seriousness, these are meant to be obviously the exact opposite of what you should actually do. Especially point number seven. Women, always say the thing. Always.

And so, without further ado, I present to you:

Advice that you should *totally* take as a new programmer

  1. No breaks. Ever. Program for 10 hours straight. Because if you don’t have that kind of time, why even bother? Don’t get out of your chair. Move only your fingers and eyeballs. This will guarantee the highest quality code. Everyone will tell you so after you show it to them. Trust me.
  2. Don’t sleep. You don’t need sleep. You’re a programmer now! Things as mundane as biological processes of the human body no longer apply to you. Use those hours you don’t sleep to continue to work on code.
  3. Be really competitive. It's a ruthless world out there, and no one will ever pay attention to you unless you are instantly as good as a 20-year seasoned professional. Compare yourself, your code, your ideas, your looks, your dating life, your family life, and your income level to said professional constantly. Don’t get psychiatric help when a nervous breakdown inevitably comes. That’s a waste of time. Get back to programming.
  4. Drink. A. LOT. of alcohol. Or abuse drugs. Or both. Adderall is literally the best invention of the 21st century. If you’re feeling particularly uninspired or lethargic, don’t sleep. (refer to point #2) Drop some acid instead. It’ll perk ya right up. It worked for Steve Jobs, it will def work for you too.
  5. Be super mean to your colleagues. Act superior all the time. Ignore newcomers to the field. Disrespect people who are more senior than you. This is the best way to show your competitive edge. Because, as we know from point number three, no one will care about you unless you are more competitive than an 1800’s British racehorse jockey.
  6. Also, don’t ever review someone else’s code. Don’t mentor or help *anyone*. They may get better than you as a result and someday advance beyond you. Then what will you do?!!
  7. If you have a good idea, whatever you do, DO NOT say it. Especially if you’re a woman. You have to be competitive without seeming competitive. The best way to be competitive as a woman is to not appear competitive but also somehow be competitive. But also not competitive, cause people won’t like you. You know what, if you’re a woman, just give up now.
  8. If programming becomes challenging, give up. This is meant to be easy, duh. If it's hard for you, you clearly don’t belong in this field, cause only super mega-geniuses are able to program.
  9. Get in fistfights about operating systems. Yes, fistfights. I suggest taking martial arts to improve your competitive edge at these fistfights. Get thrown in jail because you beat someone up at a bar for liking Android/iPhone/Mac/PC/Linux/Redhat/Microsoft anything/MySQL/PostgreSQL/Ruby/Python/Go/Assembly/Hexcode/Binary/open-source/closed-source…you get the drift.
  10. And last but not least, take my advice by not taking any of this advice, but doing the exact opposite instead :D

Have a great weekend, everyone. ❤

-Akira

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I like to write :)

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